You should never try to force a friend to open up, but it is important to be able to have this conversation when they are ready. Being able to discuss the enormity of the loss, without being afraid to be with them in their pain, can be one of the most helpful things a friend can do.
Helping a friend who has lost someone by suicide
It is often hard to know what to say to a friend who has lost a loved one to suicide. Though you cannot make the pain go away, your support can be key to helping your friend through this difficult loss. There are many ways to help. Listed below are a few strategies that may be useful when supporting your friend:
What to Say
Oftentimes, what a grieving person needs most is a friend who is willing to simply be present. This means being able to sit with the grieving person and listen to their feelings in a nonjudgemental way, without trying to problem-solve. Although it can be awkward and uncomfortable when you don’t know what to say, a pair of ears that are willing to hear a friend’s story is often what is needed most. Below are some strategies for talking with a friend.
Acknowledge the situation.
Talking directly is important. This shows that you are not afraid to have a real conversation about the loss they have experienced. For example, “I heard that _____ died by suicide.” Using the word suicide can be scary, but demonstrating that you are able to talk openly about what happened can show that you are willing to discuss the full extent of the loss. Always be sure to choose an appropriate time and place to have conversations like this, so your friend can feel safe talking about the loss.
Express your concern.
Show your friend that you are aware how this has affected them, and that you are there when they need help. For example, “I’m sorry to hear that this happened. I am here for you when you need support.”
Reflect on their emotions.
One way of demonstrating to your friend that you are open to hearing their story, and are actively listening, is by reflecting what they are saying. For example, “You’re sad and confused about why this happened.”
Don't hide your feelings.
Don’t hide your feelings. It is okay to show that you are also saddened by the loss, and that you do not have all the answers. For example, “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I care.”
Offer your support.
People grieve in a variety of ways. Be genuine in offering help while your friend processes their emotions, and respect the often non-linear stages of grief. Offering consistent and non-intrusive support can allow them to talk about their loss on their own timeline.
Ask how they feel.
Do not assume to know how the bereaved person feels on any given day. Sometimes simply asking a friend how they are feeling allows them the opportunity to express their feelings.
Listen.
Be an active listener. Though it can be difficult to know what to say to your friend, being able to listen effectively is most important. Finding the right words is often less important than letting your friend express themself and their feelings towards the nature of the loss. It’s not unusual for well-meaning people to avoid talking about suicide. However, the grieving person often needs to feel that others are willing to acknowledge the truth of the situation.
How to be an Active Listener
- Accept and acknowledge all feelings. Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry, to be angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with someone over how they should or shouldn’t feel. Your friend should feel free to express their feelings and know that you are willing to listen without judgement, argument, or criticism.
- Be willing to sit in silence. It’s not your job to get your friend to begin talking. Instead, be willing to be present, and show you are ready to listen when they are ready to speak. If you’re not sure what to say, show your support through eye contact, the squeeze of a hand, or a reassuring hug.
- Let your friend talk about the suicide. Your friend may need to tell the story repeatedly, sometimes in great detail. Be patient, as this can be a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens.
- Offer comfort without minimizing the loss. Let your friend know that what they are feeling is okay. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, maybe share your experience if you think it can help. However, be careful not to give unsolicited advice, claim to know what they are feeling, or compare your own grief to theirs.
Comments to Avoid when Comforting a Friend
- “I know how you feel.” We can never know how another may feel. Instead, it may be more helpful to ask your friend how they feel.
- “Look at what you have to be thankful for.” Your friend knows they have things to be thankful for, but part of grieving is being able to experience the feelings of sadness and loss.
- “They are in a better place now.” Your friend may or may not share your religious beliefs. It’s best to keep your personal and spiritual beliefs to yourself, unless asked.
- “This is behind you; it’s time to get on with your life.” Moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace. Giving room to grieve is important in the recovery process.
- Saying, “You should…” or “You will…” Unsolicited advice is rarely helpful. Instead, you could begin your comments with: “Have you thought about…” or “You might…”
Watching for Warning Signs
It is not uncommon for a grieving person to feel depressed, confused, angry, or disconnected from others. If the intensity of these emotions does not ease in time, professional mental health resources can help. Sometimes someone who has experienced a loss by suicide will have suicidal thoughts themself. It is important to know the warning signs of suicide and, should you feel concerned, to ask your friend directly about thoughts of suicide.
If you notice any of the following warning signs after the initial loss, especially if they continue for more than two months, encourage your friend to seek professional help.
- Extreme focus on the death.
- Talking about dying or attempting suicide.
- Talking about feeling the need to escape the pain.
- Persistent bitterness, anger, or guilt.
- Difficulty making it to class and declining grades.
- A lack of concern for his/her personal welfare.
- Neglecting personal hygiene.
- Increase in alcohol or drug use.
- Inability to enjoy life.
- Withdrawal from others.
- Constant feelings of hopelessness.
It can be hard to know how to bring up your concerns with your friend. If you’re worried about being perceived as invasive, use the following approach. “I am worried that you aren’t sleeping. There are resources that can help you.”
If a friend is considering suicide, get professional help immediately. If they are in a life-threatening emergency, or if you’re concerned that a friend may act soon on their suicide plan, call 911.